Irresponsibility looks good on me

I feel like I have so many different thoughts I could blog about.  I think I really need to start creating a list so I can save the thoughts for a rainy day.  Note: Boyfriend- you may not want to read. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Regardless, I thought I'd share with you something that has been boggling my mind for the last, I don't know, month or so.  It hurts to write it (I had just barely become okay with saying it), but the stage beyond boyfriend and girlfriend in college SCARES ME TO DEATH.  There is nothing in the world besides scary movies that makes me want to run and hide under a blanket for at least two days. Maybe three if there are good movies like Cool Runnings involved. Regardless, it scares me.  It's not a commitment issue- it's just some sort of fantastically terrible complex I've developed (my friends tell me I've had it for a while, I am just acknowledging it now but what do they know).  I've mentioned before that I used to be the girl who dreamed of romance and prince charming- now I'm the girl that runs straight away from it. Wonderful, isn't it? Boyfriend and I have a lot of friends who are in very committed relationships (some married, some engaged, many live together, etc which is awesome for them- more power to the people who can stomach it).  Me? I think I want to live on my own until I'm at least 25, and then maybe married by 35. Maybe. 40 would be okay too. I could still adopt. Or at least thats what I think I want.

And then I have this dream.  A dream where I wake up and there is a giant ring on my finger (gorgeous and expensive of course), but I am having a major panic attack because I don't know how it got there.  I don't know how we get there.  Yes, the person who popped the question is the same as current boyfriend. And its relatively soon in the future, not 35 like I had hoped. And I am still panicking. I don't want to say no because that's mean, but I can't say yes.  I freak out (of course) and start asking a million questions. Me: "Well did you ask my parents?!" Boyfriend: "Of course! And they were both so happy to say yes!" Me: "I can't believe they would do that to me!" Frightening, I'm aware. So that is pretty much the synopsis. Me freaking out, Boyfriend not knowing exactly what is going on. Of course when I wake up from this dream, my heart is still racing and I can't stop thinking about it.  So what is a girl to do? Dream decode of course.

Here is what it apparently means:
To dream that you are being proposed to, indicates that you are merging a previously unknown aspect of yourself  More directly, the dream suggests  you are thinking about  marriage or some serious long-term commitment/project/situation. Your reaction to the proposal indicates your true feelings about marriage or commitment. 
http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/p3.htm


I mean, could you be more spot on?  Of course I shared this meaning with 3 people, and their reactions were spot on:
Liz: Makes sense.  
Steph: I couldn't pick a better one myself 
Boyfriend: Um are you okay? Can you remind me of this dream? What am I supposed to make of this?


Kind of priceless if you ask me. I still don't know what to make of all this entirely.  I am dedicated to living in the here and now.  To not growing up too fast- to enjoying each and every stage of life that is presented to me. What's this rush to grow up? I have no desire to buy a house with someone, share an apartment, to share a dog, a car, or any other sort of major responsibility.  I get that some people like that, and it's awesome for them.  Just not me.  It's about me right now.  I have the next 79 years of my life (I'm living to 100, FYI) to be responsible for people and things other than myself.  What is so wrong with not being responsible? And why do people think that because I don't want to be old, it means I'm immature?  Some people need get it straight- just because I like to go to Mardi Gras for New Orleans and I may skip in the parking lot to Maggiano's does not mean I am immature. It just means I like to take what life has to offer, and make the absolute most of it.

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This is how it ought to be, hey isn't this easy?

Well, to say the least I survived Mardi Gras.  I have to admit- going to New Orleans for Mardi Gras should be on everyones bucket list.  You just HAVE to.  You won't see people like that anywhere else.   You also can't get Po-Boy's or Hand Grenades.

 

Rockin it at Mardi Gras

I made friends, lost identification, tried to run away, saw painted shirts (on women), saw men wearing thongs, got hit in the face with beads, and laid a blue monkey to rest in a Miller Lite box.

 Blue Monkey: RIP February 14, 2010

My new friends from Arkansa- Ellen and I even went to the bathroom together (which also happens to be where I lost my clutch)

But at the same time, it feels awesome to be back.  I found my identifcation, which allowed me to get on the plane (thank goodness) and come home to Philly.  I spent the entire time with boyfriend, and man o man did that create a learning experience for us.  One of the best parts of this relationship is that we are both constantly learning.  For one, apparently I can throw a mean punch.  And apparently Kevin likes Apple Juice on the plane (see previous blog post).  We also learned to hate the word "perfect", to swear to not be the couple saying "Valentines Day is dead to me" after dating for a while, and I learned how easily I convert fear into anger.

I used to be the little girl that loved fairy tales, and fairy tale endings.  Now, people are shocked that I might have once thought about what I want my wedding to be like.  So shocked, they think I'm lying.  I used to believe that endings in The Notebook could be real, and that someday I'd find something like that.  As I grew up a bit (mind you I'm only 21) I became more realistic.  I opted for comfort and safety, instead of excitement and passion.  Today, I have someone who fits all of those roles, but what I've grown away from I have to fight hard to find it.  I live in fear of my own passion.  I just wish I could rewind a little bit, move back through all of those crappy heartaches, and still believe in those fairytale endings.

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Come fly with me, come fly, lets fly away

Something I love to do is blog when I’m not actually connected to the internet.  Two of my first posts way back when were written while I was on the train to DC.  Right now I am a bajillion miles above the somewhere on the east coast heading to our first destination, Charlotte N.C.  We have a short layover here, which we’ll probably miss because our first flight was a tad (45 minutes) late this morning.  Oh- I guess I should say where I’m going.  Kevin (boyfriend) and I are on our way to New Orleans for Mardi Gras 2010.  Seems a bit weird to say, but it has been fun telling people about all the beads I plan on getting.  My dad especially loved that ::sarcasm::.  Anyways, I am hoping we won’t miss our connection, but even if I make it the chances that my bag will follow are slim to none.  They had to check it because the overhead bins were full.  Looks like not allowing customers to check bags for free has caused some major efficiency issues, but hey I guess that’s what the airline industry is all about.  Regardless, after I was all packed up, I started to get excited.  I mean, I’m going to MARDI GRAS. THE REAL ONE.  I can’t wait to see all that glitter and get a mask and lots of beads and drink beer with the NOLA police.  Actually, I’ll stay away from them.  I hear they don’t let you out until Ash Wednesday, and I really need to get back to class after all of this.

I wasn’t really excited at first.  I was mostly nervous.

This is the first vacation for the boy and I that involves flying.  We’ve done the weekends down at the beach (I refuse to call it the shore.  The shore is merely a component of the beach, but that just explains everything you need to know about the people in this area). We’ve driven up to Ithaca, NY as part of a work trip for me.  But never flown together, which has just opened up a whole new slew of questions and comments and learning experiences.  For one, Kevin likes to sit far enough away from the gate agent so we can’t hear anything.  Maybe it’s just me, but I usually like hearing the little bitty updates that they give us, like “Oh your flight is cancelled”, or “We’re boarding- hurry your ass up”.   Another thing- his book bag is twelve times too small for his body.  Entertaining, but a tad odd.  He also likes to sit with the tray down, his iPod on the tray, and just stare into the abyss.  Oh, and he orders apple juice. I'm glad we are travelling together though, because when I look through InStyle Magazine we talk about which dresses look good, what jewelry I like and which stars are hot and which are not. I get to observe all of this because we’re conveniently located across the aisle from each other.  The girl sitting next to him really just had to have the window.  And she didn’t even believe my “oh this will just ruin our honeymoon” story (disclaimer: this is not our honeymoon).  ANYWAYS, even with all his little quirks, I must say it’s been fun so far.  We both wonder what it will be like on day 5.  I’d put money on us fighting by then, but so would he so it’s not really going to help either of us out.  Here’s to hoping we make our connection, our next seat is actually next to each other, I collect lots and lots of beads, and I successfully avoid the police, don’t get lost, and don’t hate the boy by the end of this whole vacation.  And here’s one more- I hope to the Mardi Gras Gods that I can fly back without a hangover, but it’s doubtful.

P.S. Girl next to me is shoeless, with her feet on the seat.  Brave girl right there.  If she had a foot odor issue, there is no doubt that the entire plane would smell it.

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King of the (snow) mountain

Over the course of the last week (well, I guess its been since Saturday) we've gotten just about 3 feet of snow in the city of Philadelphia.  Yesterday, everything was shut down- even the major highways.  Today, school is cancelled again.  The roads are looking a little bit better, but there is snow EVERYWHERE and honestly very few reasons to actually go outside.

I rarely miss home, except when it snows.  I miss waking up to find out school has been cancelled because there is so much snow, or because its so cold.  I miss the constant "Mom- my gloves are wet!" that would happen all day when I would play outside with my siblings in the snow.  We used to make a luge in our front yard for our snow tubes.  It would end up curving into the road, so if you got enough speed you would slide down the street for a bit too.  We lived in a quiet neighborhood.  A few years, we had an ice skating rink.  My dad never figured out the science of it to make it smooth, so we mostly just used it for broom hockey.  Falling on the ice never felt so good.  I also miss watching Disney (my 12 year old Golden Retriever) roll around and make puppy angels in the snow.  We'd all trek up to the local elementary school a half mile away, sometimes the dog tailing right behind us, and sled for hours down the giant hill.  A memory I don't miss? Building ramps for the sleds, going down over them, getting flipped off and the wind knocked out of you.  That never really felt great.

I haven't had a chance to go sledding yet in all this snow, but I have been blessed with the opportunity to dig out Kevin's (boyfriend) car twice with the help of some friendly strangers.  We realized its a lot easier if I'm the one driving, instead of the one pushing.  Those darn boots with the fur have very little traction.  It is so nice to see strangers help you out.  It reminds me of the commercial about how kind acts are contagious- it's so true!  Another great benefit of the snow?  It gives me the opportunity to actually just sit around and not do anything.  I didn't quite follow that rule entirely, but this is the most sitting still I've done in a long time.  And I love it.

Today, because it is absolutely gorgeous out (minus the howling wind that has me scared and curled up in a ball in bed) I think I may go on a photo adventure.  Just me and my camera. And maybe a few stops at a few stores, if I am so lucky to find them open.

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My own worst enemy

They always say we're our own worst critics.  But where can you draw the line?  I'm my own enemy, I'm my own critic, I'm my own nightmare.  How did it all get to be this way?

I am not sure exactly why this has turned out to be the case, but in most recent events, it became pretty clear that I have developed some sick form of split personality.  There is me, the one who giggles and dances around in my socks.  This is the same one who is motivated, determined, optimistic, loving, kind and is told she's a kid at heart.  Then, there this other side that seems to love coming around at the worst times, especially in the winter.  It's the side that tells me I'm never good enough, that of course I look fat in those jeans.  It's the side that makes me question some of the best relationships I have in my life, including my relationship with Kevin.  It's the side that has me wondering why everything seems to be flawed.

I hate that side.  I've spent years trying to get rid of it.  But I can't.  I go to yoga to try and keep my mind clear, to have a calm state of mind.  I go running to stay healthy.  I talk about my feelings with lots of different people.  I try to dress in a way that I'm comfortable.  I tried positive reinforcement.  I try using affirmations and reading them, telling myself positive things.  I try letting go, moving on, and just accepting myself the way it is.  But it's not working.  Even the professionals can't figure it out.

There is a saying that you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you, but what if I never learn to love myself?

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Moonlight Sonata

I must say, this is my most favorite Pandora radio station.  Instead of working on the 8 upcoming homework assignments I have due before Wednesday, I am delightfully sitting and just thinking.  I don't know much about what I'm thinking, so I thought blogging might help direct me there.  There is so much that can be said about the value of solitude.  I believe it is so incredibly underrated.  One of my best friends (Liz) blogged about watching the snow fall outside the window.  Sometimes, I like to watch the rain run down my windows.  We live such hectic lives, with places to go and people to see, that sometimes, we forget about the things that happen all the time.  These things are the ones out of our control.  The ones that make us smile, feel calm, maybe even feel renewed.

I need one of those days soon.  A bit about my life: I am taking 20 credits, working 15 hours a week, manage 40 freshman girls and 14 RA's, participate in a relationship, work on my fitness, teach freshman business students and try to have a social life. A lot of people ask me how I do it.  How I manage everything going on in my life.   My answer usually has something to do with Google Calendar and little sleep.  Or I just say I'm as efficient as possible.

The real answer: I sacrifice my personal well being left and right.  And, I hate it.  I want a day where I can read in bed, look out the window, and just think about my life and the direction it's headed.  I want a day where I don't have to talk to anyone.  I want a day where I can be in complete solitude.

Of course, as with anything in life, anything we want has consequences and sacrifices.  I love seeing my friends, and frequently put off other things just to hang out with them.  School work? Meh I'm employed.  Sleep? Meh I'll get it late.  But I only have a limited amount of time available, and usually my solitude opportunities are taken up by opportunities to build relationships.  Sometimes I run around like a chicken with my head cut off because I want to do it all.  Because as much as I hate saying "maybe" to someone, I hate saying "no" even more.  I value being there for someone, no matter what.  And that comes at a cost.  A cost where solitude is the price I pay.  I do believe that someday things will calm down, but I don't know if that day is anywhere in the near future.  10 years from now? Definitely a possibility.

For now, I'll take the little moments life presents.  Like right now, sitting and thinking while listening to classical music.  Or maybe tomorrow morning if I can get myself to yoga.  There has been a lot on my mind lately- the value of friendships, the state of those friendships, my future, my relationship, my core values, my purpose, my intention. Maybe I just need to keep rolling along, with hope that some day, I might not even have to answer my questions.  Maybe, they will answer themselves.

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The infamous "maybe" response

Okay.  There is very little that realllly gets me going and ticked off.  (Boyfriend may claim otherwise, but he's not writing so we'll pretend there isn't a lot else).  I hate the "maybe" response.  For example, you plan an event on facebook, half of the people (who you know, who you want to be there) respond with "maybe".  You have the event, and about 2 of the 30 show up.

Or there is the "hey lets go do _______ together!" that gets a "maybe" response.  Hello world (and people viewing my blog), why is there such a huge problem with commitments?  I wish people could just pick one and go with it.  It's a yes or a no.  We all know that if you REALLY want to do something, you'll be there.  There are very few excuses that validate a "maybe".

I wonder if the maybe sayers realize the effect it has on the event planner.  I know for me, when some of my closest friends say "maybe" and then don't show up, I know that they really just couldn't say no.  If you can't be honest with your friends, what kind of friendship do you actually have?  I get that we can't be everywhere at the same time.  I had one friend say "I like to keep my options open". I get that, I see where you're coming from, and so on.  But thats entirely selfish.  If you can go, say yes.  If you can't or aren't interested, say no.  Make a decision and stand tall behind it. I know I am guilty of this, so I'm done with it.  You will rarely hear me respond "maybe".  You'll get a "yes", "no" or "can I get back to you on that?".

We have two feet, a backbone and a voice for a reason.  Use them appropriately when communicating with your friends.  If someone can't handle the fact that you told them no, they probably aren't that great of a friend anyways.

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