Hi, My name is Abby and I have a curse

I thought I was past it.  My parents so proudly estimated at least 2 years.  But it looks like the 7 month curse is back and better than ever.  I've discussed this "relationship complex" that I have before, but here's a quick reminder:  I like things until they get real and the wall is broken down.  Then I proudly run away to find another wall to hide behind.  I've always been good at this.  The only things I haven't been able to run away from are my family (mostly because they will never leave me alone) and the things that aren't really real.  I fought to keep things the way they were- just friends.  If we were "just friends", he'd be the one I'd want to talk to right now.  But being angry, a female and in the process of running away means I can't.  And if we were "just friends", this curse wouldn't be back to get me.

I wonder what I'm really afraid of.  I've been hurt before, and pretty badly.  I get called names, I brush it off.  If you want a list of at least 10 people who have something bad to say about me, I'll proudly deliver.  I know that all good things might sooner or later come to an end.  I accept that I can't be obnoxiously optimistic every day, even when the sun is out.  I'm beginning to accept the fact that I can't make everyone happy and that not everyone is going to like me.  I wonder what makes this all so difficult.  I wonder what happened in my past that makes me react this way. If I knew what it was, there isn't a split-second I would waste before trying to go back in time and change it.  I wonder what it is that I have to lose.