>> 3.01.2010

Every day we face choices.  There are the simple choices, like what to wear in the morning, whether I want a caramel skinny latte or vanilla skinny latte from Starbucks, or what I should do at the gym.  Then there are the more difficult choices,  like spending $1000 on a LSAT prep class, or maybe just winging it and ending up at Drexel Law School.  There is also the choices that go behind taking a job.  Do I want to stay in Philadelphia? Would I rather move and go on another adventure?  Where am I going to live? And then there is always the choice behind becoming the person we want to be.  Do I want to be the girl who wears her heart on her sleeve, or do I learn how to gain tough skin, and just stop caring so much?  Is there a happy medium between the two choices?  How do we make these choices?

Every day, I question whether or not I made the right choices.  I constantly wonder what would be the outcome if I made a different choice.  All of that wondering makes me think about the thought process that goes behind making a choice.  I must admit, I'm pretty irrational sometimes.  Sometimes there is absolutely no method to my choice- maybe it was just the opposite of what someone told me to do.  Maybe it seems the riskiest, maybe it seems the safest. Maybe its exactly what someone told me to do. If there is any sort of pattern though, I do always try to trust my gut.  Granted this is the same gut that craves Ben and Jerrys so I have to be careful, but I like to think that the choices I make are the ones that make me feel most proud.  They are the ones I feel most comfortable with, even if someone disagrees.  They are the ones I am drawn to, and for some reason or another I just have to make.

Sometimes I wish that other people made choices that way.  I find myself surrounded by people who make choices because it's what others expect from them, or because they are afraid of revealing their priorities.  I am going to be graduating soon (June!) and am planning a dinner for myself in Philadelphia.  Some of my immediate family members don't even know if they are going to make it down.  Or some are going to make it for the dinner, but not the ceremony.  After watching both my older sister and older brother graduate and walk the stage, it breaks my heart that they wouldn't want to be there to see me cross the stage, that its even a question for them.  If I hadn't planned a dinner for myself, they might not even show up at all.  I wonder if they put themselves in my shoes. My older sister Katie has made it to Drexel once.  In 4 years. My brother Kevin? Three times- all of which included the rest of my family visiting. And he only lives two hours away in NYC.  Me? I've made a choice to really work on building relationships with my siblings, understanding that sometimes it will take personal sacrifices.  But I wonder if they've made the same choice.  I wonder if they see the same value.

(Me, Kevin, Katie and Marcie up in front)

It takes time and effort to build and maintain relationships.  I fully recognize that, and acknowledge how while  my relationships with people are a huge priority, it might not be the same for others. I'm in the process of learning how to make choices for myself, independent of predicted reactions of others. It's just incredibly hard to do, and will probably take a life time to figure out.


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