Irresponsibility looks good on me

>> 2.23.2010

I feel like I have so many different thoughts I could blog about.  I think I really need to start creating a list so I can save the thoughts for a rainy day.  Note: Boyfriend- you may not want to read. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Regardless, I thought I'd share with you something that has been boggling my mind for the last, I don't know, month or so.  It hurts to write it (I had just barely become okay with saying it), but the stage beyond boyfriend and girlfriend in college SCARES ME TO DEATH.  There is nothing in the world besides scary movies that makes me want to run and hide under a blanket for at least two days. Maybe three if there are good movies like Cool Runnings involved. Regardless, it scares me.  It's not a commitment issue- it's just some sort of fantastically terrible complex I've developed (my friends tell me I've had it for a while, I am just acknowledging it now but what do they know).  I've mentioned before that I used to be the girl who dreamed of romance and prince charming- now I'm the girl that runs straight away from it. Wonderful, isn't it? Boyfriend and I have a lot of friends who are in very committed relationships (some married, some engaged, many live together, etc which is awesome for them- more power to the people who can stomach it).  Me? I think I want to live on my own until I'm at least 25, and then maybe married by 35. Maybe. 40 would be okay too. I could still adopt. Or at least thats what I think I want.

And then I have this dream.  A dream where I wake up and there is a giant ring on my finger (gorgeous and expensive of course), but I am having a major panic attack because I don't know how it got there.  I don't know how we get there.  Yes, the person who popped the question is the same as current boyfriend. And its relatively soon in the future, not 35 like I had hoped. And I am still panicking. I don't want to say no because that's mean, but I can't say yes.  I freak out (of course) and start asking a million questions. Me: "Well did you ask my parents?!" Boyfriend: "Of course! And they were both so happy to say yes!" Me: "I can't believe they would do that to me!" Frightening, I'm aware. So that is pretty much the synopsis. Me freaking out, Boyfriend not knowing exactly what is going on. Of course when I wake up from this dream, my heart is still racing and I can't stop thinking about it.  So what is a girl to do? Dream decode of course.

Here is what it apparently means:
To dream that you are being proposed to, indicates that you are merging a previously unknown aspect of yourself  More directly, the dream suggests  you are thinking about  marriage or some serious long-term commitment/project/situation. Your reaction to the proposal indicates your true feelings about marriage or commitment.

I mean, could you be more spot on?  Of course I shared this meaning with 3 people, and their reactions were spot on:
Liz: Makes sense.  
Steph: I couldn't pick a better one myself 
Boyfriend: Um are you okay? Can you remind me of this dream? What am I supposed to make of this?

Kind of priceless if you ask me. I still don't know what to make of all this entirely.  I am dedicated to living in the here and now.  To not growing up too fast- to enjoying each and every stage of life that is presented to me. What's this rush to grow up? I have no desire to buy a house with someone, share an apartment, to share a dog, a car, or any other sort of major responsibility.  I get that some people like that, and it's awesome for them.  Just not me.  It's about me right now.  I have the next 79 years of my life (I'm living to 100, FYI) to be responsible for people and things other than myself.  What is so wrong with not being responsible? And why do people think that because I don't want to be old, it means I'm immature?  Some people need get it straight- just because I like to go to Mardi Gras for New Orleans and I may skip in the parking lot to Maggiano's does not mean I am immature. It just means I like to take what life has to offer, and make the absolute most of it.


Anonymous,  February 23, 2010 at 2:28 AM  

Actually, I think you have it backwards. You are far from immature. How do I know this? Simple, you have fear for the future. Follow my logic here. If you were to look at your life through rose colored glasses all the time and always fantasize the future to "magically work out," you would be an incredibly naive individual because you and I know that that isn't the way the world operates. Instead, looking at the future with a sense of caution, possibly to the point of fear, is a sign of maturity and experience. Lord knows everyone has had their lives turned upside down for some reason or another. Fear is just a way to show you that you have a build up of intense emotions. What emotions you ask? Look at your dream. Your dream shows not a fear of commitment or relationships but of a fear of living an incomplete and misguided life. Take the logic bit by bit. Most likely you, like most people, figure that by the time you are married, you will have everything figured out. More importantly, you figure that by that point, life in general will make more sense and many of your goals that you have set since you were younger would have become reality. As you are maturing, particularly since you are nearing you time in college, you are finding that as life continues, there are just more uncertainties. And here is the thing.... that is the way it will always be until the very moment you die. Even more so, you referenced those close to you (in your dream) as to the important decision that you made and "resented" them for it. This isn't saying that you don't trust those around you. Instead, this shows you know they look out for your best interests and desires. You are flipping out because you are feeling that you are the only one that lacks the certainty of your decision. Therefore, you need to stop thinking about everyone's impressions on you. You should set yourself in front of a mirror, ask what it is you want out of life and exactly what YOU feel (completely disregarding the mindsets of others). If you need a start, ask the question "what is it that makes ME happiest in life? Why?"
What should you take from all my blathering? Just follow this saying: "What is meant to be will eventually happen. No matter when or where it happens, it will happen at just right time, whether I understand it or not." Trust me on this one, take some deep breathes and just take out you time. Besides, that boyfriend of yours sounds like a great guy and I think he will understand and accept you no matter what path of life you walk. People like that are the ones that you should surround yourself with because they do not judge, just accept.

Abby February 23, 2010 at 9:37 AM  

I don't know who you are because you posted anonymously, but this is awesome! Thank you so much for your comment- really means a lot to me. It's always been a huge struggle for me to go anywhere near a mirror, but I guess its about time...

Alexandria,  February 23, 2010 at 10:39 AM  

Here's a good quote that I received this morning...

"When you get older, you realize it's a lot less about your place in the world but your place in you. It's not how everyone views you, but how you view yourself."

- Natalie Portman

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