Moonlight Sonata

>> 2.02.2010

I must say, this is my most favorite Pandora radio station.  Instead of working on the 8 upcoming homework assignments I have due before Wednesday, I am delightfully sitting and just thinking.  I don't know much about what I'm thinking, so I thought blogging might help direct me there.  There is so much that can be said about the value of solitude.  I believe it is so incredibly underrated.  One of my best friends (Liz) blogged about watching the snow fall outside the window.  Sometimes, I like to watch the rain run down my windows.  We live such hectic lives, with places to go and people to see, that sometimes, we forget about the things that happen all the time.  These things are the ones out of our control.  The ones that make us smile, feel calm, maybe even feel renewed.

I need one of those days soon.  A bit about my life: I am taking 20 credits, working 15 hours a week, manage 40 freshman girls and 14 RA's, participate in a relationship, work on my fitness, teach freshman business students and try to have a social life. A lot of people ask me how I do it.  How I manage everything going on in my life.   My answer usually has something to do with Google Calendar and little sleep.  Or I just say I'm as efficient as possible.

The real answer: I sacrifice my personal well being left and right.  And, I hate it.  I want a day where I can read in bed, look out the window, and just think about my life and the direction it's headed.  I want a day where I don't have to talk to anyone.  I want a day where I can be in complete solitude.

Of course, as with anything in life, anything we want has consequences and sacrifices.  I love seeing my friends, and frequently put off other things just to hang out with them.  School work? Meh I'm employed.  Sleep? Meh I'll get it late.  But I only have a limited amount of time available, and usually my solitude opportunities are taken up by opportunities to build relationships.  Sometimes I run around like a chicken with my head cut off because I want to do it all.  Because as much as I hate saying "maybe" to someone, I hate saying "no" even more.  I value being there for someone, no matter what.  And that comes at a cost.  A cost where solitude is the price I pay.  I do believe that someday things will calm down, but I don't know if that day is anywhere in the near future.  10 years from now? Definitely a possibility.

For now, I'll take the little moments life presents.  Like right now, sitting and thinking while listening to classical music.  Or maybe tomorrow morning if I can get myself to yoga.  There has been a lot on my mind lately- the value of friendships, the state of those friendships, my future, my relationship, my core values, my purpose, my intention. Maybe I just need to keep rolling along, with hope that some day, I might not even have to answer my questions.  Maybe, they will answer themselves.


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