Moonlight Sonata

I must say, this is my most favorite Pandora radio station.  Instead of working on the 8 upcoming homework assignments I have due before Wednesday, I am delightfully sitting and just thinking.  I don't know much about what I'm thinking, so I thought blogging might help direct me there.  There is so much that can be said about the value of solitude.  I believe it is so incredibly underrated.  One of my best friends (Liz) blogged about watching the snow fall outside the window.  Sometimes, I like to watch the rain run down my windows.  We live such hectic lives, with places to go and people to see, that sometimes, we forget about the things that happen all the time.  These things are the ones out of our control.  The ones that make us smile, feel calm, maybe even feel renewed.

I need one of those days soon.  A bit about my life: I am taking 20 credits, working 15 hours a week, manage 40 freshman girls and 14 RA's, participate in a relationship, work on my fitness, teach freshman business students and try to have a social life. A lot of people ask me how I do it.  How I manage everything going on in my life.   My answer usually has something to do with Google Calendar and little sleep.  Or I just say I'm as efficient as possible.

The real answer: I sacrifice my personal well being left and right.  And, I hate it.  I want a day where I can read in bed, look out the window, and just think about my life and the direction it's headed.  I want a day where I don't have to talk to anyone.  I want a day where I can be in complete solitude.

Of course, as with anything in life, anything we want has consequences and sacrifices.  I love seeing my friends, and frequently put off other things just to hang out with them.  School work? Meh I'm employed.  Sleep? Meh I'll get it late.  But I only have a limited amount of time available, and usually my solitude opportunities are taken up by opportunities to build relationships.  Sometimes I run around like a chicken with my head cut off because I want to do it all.  Because as much as I hate saying "maybe" to someone, I hate saying "no" even more.  I value being there for someone, no matter what.  And that comes at a cost.  A cost where solitude is the price I pay.  I do believe that someday things will calm down, but I don't know if that day is anywhere in the near future.  10 years from now? Definitely a possibility.

For now, I'll take the little moments life presents.  Like right now, sitting and thinking while listening to classical music.  Or maybe tomorrow morning if I can get myself to yoga.  There has been a lot on my mind lately- the value of friendships, the state of those friendships, my future, my relationship, my core values, my purpose, my intention. Maybe I just need to keep rolling along, with hope that some day, I might not even have to answer my questions.  Maybe, they will answer themselves.

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The infamous "maybe" response

Okay.  There is very little that realllly gets me going and ticked off.  (Boyfriend may claim otherwise, but he's not writing so we'll pretend there isn't a lot else).  I hate the "maybe" response.  For example, you plan an event on facebook, half of the people (who you know, who you want to be there) respond with "maybe".  You have the event, and about 2 of the 30 show up.

Or there is the "hey lets go do _______ together!" that gets a "maybe" response.  Hello world (and people viewing my blog), why is there such a huge problem with commitments?  I wish people could just pick one and go with it.  It's a yes or a no.  We all know that if you REALLY want to do something, you'll be there.  There are very few excuses that validate a "maybe".

I wonder if the maybe sayers realize the effect it has on the event planner.  I know for me, when some of my closest friends say "maybe" and then don't show up, I know that they really just couldn't say no.  If you can't be honest with your friends, what kind of friendship do you actually have?  I get that we can't be everywhere at the same time.  I had one friend say "I like to keep my options open". I get that, I see where you're coming from, and so on.  But thats entirely selfish.  If you can go, say yes.  If you can't or aren't interested, say no.  Make a decision and stand tall behind it. I know I am guilty of this, so I'm done with it.  You will rarely hear me respond "maybe".  You'll get a "yes", "no" or "can I get back to you on that?".

We have two feet, a backbone and a voice for a reason.  Use them appropriately when communicating with your friends.  If someone can't handle the fact that you told them no, they probably aren't that great of a friend anyways.

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How people around us can hurt or (hopefully) help

I am a huge believer that the people you surround yourself with makes a HUGE impact on your life.  Although right now I live with approximately 350 freshman Drexel students, so it might be better to talk about who I emotionally surround myself with.

One of my resolutions this year was to be a better friend.  I think I've already learned a little bit about what that's going to be like.  When words are genuine, when they come from the heart, you are a good friend.  When you feel like you have to lie to not hurt your friends feelings, you are not a good friend.  I know its hard to hear negative remarks about yourself (hello- I would be the girl who cried in front of her manager after she received the first piece of constructive criticism in 9 months), but sometimes they are best when they come from the people that know you best.

Paragraph 1 + Paragraph 2= in order to be a great friend, surround yourself with people you can truly be honest with, and people you trust will be honest back at you.  Girls have boyfriends and Grandma's to tell them how great they are and that even after the addition 10lb gain from the holidays, they hardly notice an extra ounce. If you think about what is important to you (example- health, career, independence, emotional intelligence, happiness), its easy to see if you are on the same page as the people around you.  THINK about it.  Is it easier to go on a diet when you are around someone who eats healthy all the time, or eats junk food all the time?  Maybe you have better will power than I, but I find myself truly drooling when my dear friend is eating junk food.  The drooling effect can be comparable to that of a not-so-great friend finally pushing you to do not-so-great things.

I think this is the hardest part of life.  It's terribly hard to find good friends.   After 4 years of college, I find myself with a select few.  I have tons of acquaintances, but the people I really let effect me- well there are about a dozen or so.  Sometimes its lonely, but at the end of the day I like it.  I like that the people in my life push me to become a better person.  And I like that (as harsh as it sounds), I've been able to successfully stop drooling at certain junk food eaters, if you know what I mean.

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