My own worst enemy

>> 2.08.2010

They always say we're our own worst critics.  But where can you draw the line?  I'm my own enemy, I'm my own critic, I'm my own nightmare.  How did it all get to be this way?

I am not sure exactly why this has turned out to be the case, but in most recent events, it became pretty clear that I have developed some sick form of split personality.  There is me, the one who giggles and dances around in my socks.  This is the same one who is motivated, determined, optimistic, loving, kind and is told she's a kid at heart.  Then, there this other side that seems to love coming around at the worst times, especially in the winter.  It's the side that tells me I'm never good enough, that of course I look fat in those jeans.  It's the side that makes me question some of the best relationships I have in my life, including my relationship with Kevin.  It's the side that has me wondering why everything seems to be flawed.

I hate that side.  I've spent years trying to get rid of it.  But I can't.  I go to yoga to try and keep my mind clear, to have a calm state of mind.  I go running to stay healthy.  I talk about my feelings with lots of different people.  I try to dress in a way that I'm comfortable.  I tried positive reinforcement.  I try using affirmations and reading them, telling myself positive things.  I try letting go, moving on, and just accepting myself the way it is.  But it's not working.  Even the professionals can't figure it out.

There is a saying that you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you, but what if I never learn to love myself?


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