The whole point of this blog was for me to take "the shit that hits the fan" and turn it into something more positive- something to learn from, to take away from, to be better because of it.
Well, now I'm in a spot where I hardly feel like I can convince myself of those things, let alone the blog world. It's been rough. I feel like over the course of this past year (2009 included) a lot of people have just taken giant swings at me, and I've never had a chance to fight back. I know its a quality of society to focus on all the bad and not remember the good, but I mean seriously, how much longer can this last for? I am absolutely sick and tired of people lying to my face. I'm tired of people pretending to be my friends when in fact they can only do it when its convenient for them. I'm tired of people hating on me, especially when they won't even tell me why. I'm just tired of it all.
Its days like today that make me want to pack my things, say goodbye to Drexel and Philadelphia, and disappear for a while. Well, maybe not disappear entirely because I'd miss things like First Day of Spring at Rita's, my few quality friends I have here, Christmas time in Rochester, and the other lovely little things that make me smile. But, sometimes I wonder what it'd be like to just move away. Start over again. I liked restarting from high school to college- maybe it'd be nice to do it again.
I wonder if I'd change more. If I'd be a completely different person (when I started college, I was not OCD. I also had terrible relationships with boys. I think I've changed). I wonder if I'd have less of these days where I just want to crawl into bed and not get out.
I also wonder if this is just life. If being miserable once in a while is part of the big picture. If its part of learning whats important, whats not.
I guess I'm just miserable and wondering right now. I'm praying I won't make any irrational decisions, but I can't make any promises. I'm staying away from tattoo parlors, piercing places, hair salons, and shopping centers.